On biking through loss

2/22/2013

It's been a rough week. Last month we were excitedly surprised when we learned that I was pregnant. Unfortunately this week I was unhappily surprised with the news that the pregnancy had ended. Immediately, I started thinking about our recent bike trip and all those thoughts of "I shouldn't have..." and "if only I had..." flooded my brain. My only condolence was that it seems like the pregnancy had ended awhile ago, my body just hadn't caught up until now. It wasn't the biking and there was nothing we could have done to prevent it. It still hurts but it's getting easier. I am exhausted and heart-broken but healing. Biking has been one of my escapes, one of the few times that I don't have to think of anything except pedaling. They say that exercise is one of the best ways to fight depression and it's definitely helping. I went back and forth about whether or not to post about this but I've found that it's easier to open up about the pain and receive love in return than hold it all inside and pretend that nothing is wrong. The support I've received already has been wonderful. Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts.

My sweet boys have been darling, as always, and I am even more grateful to have two of the most perfect children already. They are kind and generous and caring and I love every second I have with them, even the ones when I want to pull out my hair in frustration.

I've also been really lucky this week with lots of extra love hanging around. The wonderful Bekah happened to fly into town for a night and I got to have a slumber party at her hotel with plenty of chocolate cake. My parents have been an amazing help, taking the boys to the Cal Academy and the zoo. My fantastic sister-in-law, Katie, just happened to be visiting for a few days and hasn't gotten sick of my kiddos yet so I'm fully taking advantage of her. I have so much to be thankful for. Although it may take me some time to adjust back to normal, things are still pretty darn perfect just the way they are.

Chocolate cake and Bekah!

The Mosasaurus eating Babybel wax "flesh" on the Amtrak home from the Cal Academy.

BionX Breezer and blooms.

Picking up Katie at 6 am via Mundo power.

And immediately putting Katie to work taking care of my children.

After a long day of playing with Katie.

Picking up a juicer from my friend Jen. Stupid documentaries. I'm so gullible.

The best cheeseballs in the world!

23 Comments

Marnie

2/22/2013 12:42:24 pm

Love you, Elle. xx M

Elle

2/26/2013 01:55:33 pm

Thanks, M! Love to you, too :)

Jennifer Olden

2/22/2013 01:32:02 pm

Oh Elle,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't know. Sending you lots of love and warmth. Let me know if you need anything, anything at all. xoxo Jen

Elle

2/26/2013 01:55:50 pm

Thanks, Jen!

TopHat link

2/22/2013 01:58:16 pm

I'm so sorry. I didn't know, either. Be gentle on yourself.

Elle

2/26/2013 01:56:44 pm

Thank you, Heather!

Dale

2/22/2013 03:21:51 pm

Very true but I have two very wonderful children of my own plus two more amazing grandchildren too thanks to you!
Lots of love, DaD

Elle

2/26/2013 01:57:02 pm

Thanks, Dad :)

Lindsay link

2/22/2013 07:08:24 pm

Dear Elle- Don't beat yourself up an ounce, I'm so sorry this happened to you, wish I could give you a big squeezy hug! Squeezy isn't a word apparently...but you get one anyway! <3 lindsay

Elle

2/26/2013 01:57:36 pm

Hugs are always appreciate, especially squeezy ones! Thanks, Lindsay!

sara link

2/23/2013 12:34:34 am

Elle, very sorry to hear about the miscarriage. I have been there but we hadn't told people about the pregnancy and here I was walking around with this big thing that had happened, a really big thing, and no one knew and I felt forever changed. I am glad you have wonderful support both in person and here on the interwebs. Sending good thoughts from the other side of the country.

Elle

2/26/2013 01:58:36 pm

It is certainly easier when you realize you're not the only one. Sorry to hear about your loss, too, Sara. Thank you for the kind words!

Bonney Gold

2/23/2013 02:12:56 am

Elle,

We send our love and best wishes to you both. So sad about your loss. Bonney

Elle

2/26/2013 01:59:03 pm

Thank you, Bonney! Lots of love to you and the family.

Simply Bike link

2/23/2013 04:41:36 am

Elle,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried my second pregnancy back in November. I debated whether to write about it on the blog and then decided that it would feel weird not to. I think it's great that you are open about it and hopefully, by talking about it and processing it, will heal and move forward with the love and support of your family. For me it was hugely helpful to let others in on what happened and to not try to carry all of that grief alone. Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs!

S.

Elle

2/26/2013 02:01:42 pm

It was from your post last year that gave me the courage to post about my experience. Being open and honest has been very helpful. I don't have to pretend that everything is okay because sometimes, it's not. Thank you for your strength!

Jarrod

2/24/2013 03:57:53 am

Dear Elle and Jose,

We're very sorry for your loss...you are characteristically brave and transparent in sharing this with people and, in the process, surely helping others in need and in pain. I trust your lovely family is pulling together even more than usual and covering you two in love.

Jarrod and Chris

Elle

2/26/2013 02:02:49 pm

Thank you both! We are doing much better. Your kindness and support means the world to us.

Fiona

2/24/2013 04:28:04 pm

Just read you sad news. All our love to you all always.

Elle

2/26/2013 02:03:21 pm

Thank you so much, Fiona! We miss you guys!

Megan Gray link

2/26/2013 02:07:18 am

So sorry you had to go through that. I had a miscarriage before I had my oldest and it was something that is not always easy to share or talk about. Even though it's something that needs to be. It was especially hard because my sister in law got pregnant at the same time and had my nephew when I would have had my baby. Thank you for sharing your experience and know that you are not the only one, and you have every right to feel what you need to feel. And it will all be okay. Hugs from NJ!

Elle

2/26/2013 02:05:20 pm

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, too, Megan. Thank you for sharing. It is so much easier to understand that you're not alone in this. I couldn't imagine having to be supportive of another's pregnancy at the same time as grieving your loss. Thank you for your kind words.

KYouell link

3/25/2013 05:25:38 am

So sorry, yet so thankful you shared. Womanhood and motherhood is drenched in so many things that we are "supposed" to keep to ourselves and all that does is isolate us. You can't get the empathy and hugs without opening up about the pain. Thank you for letting us in.

On biking through loss

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